Fair Play

Your laughs will choke on the tears you drank.

Frayed

We are tangled.

We are tangled in each other so intricately, so complicatedly, that these knots cannot get smoothed now. There are knots, a lot of small knots that have formed through twirling of our thoughts and twisting of our imaginations. Our thoughts and imaginations that found a home, a safe haven, a sanctuary, in each other, held hands, and without our permission, hitchhiked on the journey of envisioning things, together. Up and down, right and left, above and beyond, together and apart, they have covered so much, trailed many different paths, that all you can see now is a tangled map of their knotted footprints. We are tangled and the intricacy of it is so much that only the power of divine can untangle it. Force is out of question, because if you’ll force the tangles apart, you’ll get nothing but a broken thread. Taking this convoluted, intricate, complicated, messy tangle apart is going to result not in two separated entities but a broken mass of still tangled mess. Broken at one point but joined at many others. Go on and untangle each knot and you’ll end up breaking this thread at each joint. When you’re done doing that, when you’re done trying each tangle to smooth out but ending up breaking it, you’ll finally see the shredded, frayed knots of thoughts and emotions gathering at your feet, innocently questioning you why you tattered them. You’ll realize, at that point, looking at the protesting frayed mess at your feet, that the knots actually never got separated, the links never got broken. They broke closest to the knot, but not where there the knot was. Do you know why? Because the force never breaks the knots on the thread but the thread itself. The little space acquired by the knot actually secures that part of the thread. You'll realize, at that point, that just like you can't fix a broken glass, you can't un-fray a shredded thread. You’ll see the silent protest of those frayed emotions and a voice will resound in your head echoing the words I’m saying to you now:

We. Are. Tangled.

USA Diaries - New York

October 28, 2014

Dear Diary,

Last week, I went to New York, to see what all of the hype about NYC was. I set off for the journey to New York and after the connecting and delaying flights, I finally got to set my feet in New York City after 12 hours. The moment I stepped in the Times Square, I was welcomed by lights. Lights, everywhere, in every colour, on the big screens, adorning the shops, the cafe's, the restaurants, the theaters, the Broadways, the malls -inside the malls, outside the malls, the streets, the people. Yes, even the people were wearing lights to attract the tourists. The city is so busy and so crowded, it seemed to me that they all were running after time or the time was running faster than it should for them.Turning my head all the way back to see the tall buildings, and then turning round and round to see every possible thing in that crowd, I was welcomed by the lights.They were right in saying that NYC is the City of Lights and that it is the City that Never Sleeps.You ask me what NYC is like? It's illuminated. It sparkles. But, very artificial. The Times Square, at night, is so lightened up that it doesn't even look like you’re walking there at night. All the lights make it seem like daylight. It's pretty, and beautiful, and fancy. The lights would make you feel radiant. The tall buildings would make you feel strong. I saw the buildings glittering with the reflection of lights as the vehicle drove by them and it all looked so flamboyant. You'd find it very enchanting if you just sit down and stare at them. I wish I was there alone in my own company to sit down and mediate and get inspiration from the view.

The people of big cities are different than the people of small towns. They are too busy to hold doors for you, too busy to flash a smiling face at you. After spending two days in NYC, I realized that it’s just another city. But that still doesn't mean one should stop thinking about travelling to NYC. If you’d ask me whether I’d go back to NYC again, I’d say yes. I would like to go there again but for a longer time. I would want to go back to NYC and follow the path to The New York Public Library, to read every single sentence that’s written on the path that leads to the library. They have quotes written on the plaques and buried in the pathway that leads to the library. I couldn't read all of them. I missed doing my thing because I was too busy exploring the whole city in a small amount of time. This is why I would want to go there again, someday maybe.

New York City has skyscrapers, beaming lights, and bridges. The lady of liberty is so big and intimidating. The city, altogether, is different in a way you'd like to know about it. What I liked the most about NYC was the Brooklyn Bridge. I like bridges. I've always liked them. I wanted to go and stand on the Brooklyn Bridge. I could see a part of the sparkling skyline while standing on the bridge. I like how the bridge is illuminated with lights. I wish they were yellow lights. The yellow lights! They just go so well with the bridges. I like how it’s held by the strong vertical wires. There is something about bridges that always gets me. I always get attracted to them. I walked along the bridge, ran my hand over strong iron bars and saw different messages people had written on it, with their names and dates. I saw love locks, with the couple’s names, locked on the bridge wire. I think it’s beautiful. Someone would have come all the way here to lock their love, overlooking the NYC skyline. Beautiful. I walked on the bridge alone staring at the tall buildings and realized that I needed more time with myself. Like always.

Also, another 8 hour long road trip took me to see the Niagara Falls on the US-Canada border. Niagara Falls is beautiful. The most beautiful thing about it is that it’s natural. How Allah has made such a beautiful water fall left me in awe and I kept on saying Alhumdulillah for letting me see His artwork. The cruise took us to take a closer look at the falls, the water was falling down with so much pressure that I couldn't even keep my eyes open to look at it directly. In my head, I can still hear the roaring sound of water falling down, vertically. Such mightiness of a waterfall made me think how mightier its Creator would be. It was a beautiful view. No words could do justice to it. It needs to be seen, to be felt. I was dripping in water, after the cruise tour around the waterfall ended. The plastic-wrap hoodie they gave to the tourists to keep them from getting wet helped but not quite a lot.

NYC was so much and nothing. I want to say it’s overrated but I want to say that the big lights captivated me for some time, as well. I don’t know how I feel about it but one thing’s for sure, I’m thankful that I've seen it. I need some time to know how I feel about the city. I might write to you about it again.

Thank you for listening to me.

With love,
Yusra.

Birthday Thoughts - A Page from My Diary

November 2, 2014

Dear Diary,

It's my birthday, today. And although I want to be happy, there's a lingering sadness that's lounging within me. Each day that’s supposed to be a happy day turns out to be sad for me. Why is that? I didn’t even want people to wish me on my birthday. I wanted to go sit somewhere quite. I wanted to scream and cry and just be with myself. A lot of people came up to me and wished me. Every time they said Happy Birthday, it sounded like a ridicule to me. This was my very first birthday without a cake, my very first birthday when I was not excited to celebrate it, my very first birthday that did not make me feel special in anyway. Dear Diary, I didn’t like it today. Today, ironically, turned out to be an even sadder day for me. Everybody wished me to have a ‘wonderful’ day today. Almost everyone told me to ‘enjoy’ the day but I knew that this was not going to happen.

How sadness creep up on you and occupies you is hard to ignore. I remember the time in my life when I’d make a point of celebrating my birthday. Today wasn’t even ‘just another day’. Today was a sad, sad day and I hate saying that but that’s the truth. I wanted to hug someone so bad today. I wanted to hug someone and cry. But then they’d have asked me the reason and I wouldn’t have anything to tell them. Sometimes, I wish I could hug you. I like you because you listen to me and you don’t judge me. I like you because you understand me and you’re never disappointed in me. I like you because you’ve never disappointed me, either. I wish I could hug you. I want to hug someone right now. I have a question. How do you just ‘be happy’ when someone tells you to ‘be happy’? Is there a program I could install in my brains to help me with it?

I try to do things that are supposed to make me happy but I guess that's how my life was written. Even if I try, I don't get happy. There's no blaming on anyone but myself. Even though I didn't want my birthday to go that way, but the midnight, the 12:00 AM of November 2, started with tears in my eyes.

My thoughts crawled to the birthdays I've had before. I remember the surprises I had got on my last birthday - One of my friends showed up on my door out of nowhere, to celebrate my birthday. Another friend surprised me by bringing a homemade cake. That girl does not bake for everybody. If she bakes for you, you should know that you’re not just another person. I remember how my friends made it all so special for me. I remember the time I had spent with them. But snapping myself to the present, I think I’m moving away from everyone. I’m a loner, disappointing my friends by not talking to them, just hiding myself. I wonder how I’m going to end up. I know there are not going to be very many people at my funeral when I'd die.

Many thoughts are sprinting in my head right now. I was wondering how people see one side of the picture and make assumptions over it and then come down to a decision.

I wish people could see beyond what they can see. 

A picture is worth a thousand words but we have to see all sides of the picture before converting it into words. 

Can't you just come alive? Sit by me, let me rest my head on your lap, let me cry on your shoulder. Let me speak. 

What a down day today has been.

Why today had to be my birthday?

I’m such a disappointment to the world. 

Why do I even exist?

I need to let it all out or else it’s going to consume me. It’s going to gnaw my emotions, it’d make me hollow. And I fear I’d burst one day. Oh how thankful I am for the tears. And you.

Thank you for listening to me.

With lots of love,
Yusra

USA Diaries - Thoughts in My Head

October 1, 2014

Dear Diary,

It’s raining outside. When I started writing my journal, I realized that it’s October already. Can you believe it? It’s October and I’m still not sure how am I feeling. There’s nothing to talk about, today. I just kept on thinking a lot. I have no idea where am I heading to. I say hello to a lot of people, everyday, but in the back of my head, I always want to find a peaceful corner and sit there. I’m receiving the background music of thunders as I’m writing. Did I ever tell you I almost never turn on the lights in my room? It’s always dark. I like it that way. I’m glad that my roommate likes to have lights turned out as well. There are little Christmas lights that are turned on almost every time. I do not turn on any light other than that.

I was wondering about happiness; it is so innocent. No matter how much of greed do you show to it, it’s never going to show up unless it itself wants to show up. If it wants to show up by watching rain outside the window, it’ll never settle for anything more or less. You can never bribe happiness. It's loyal to your heart. If you're not happy, then no amount of money can make you happy. I like the attitude of happiness. If a droplet of a special something can make you happy, then an abundance of something else is just futile.

Thank you for listening to me.

With love,
Yusra.

September 24, 2014

Dear Diary,

I am sitting on my bed right now. My roommate’s friend is here. He is a nice guy, and a very close buddy to my roommate. They are talking their hearts out, laughing like crazy, like all friends do. I don’t want to listen to their conversation, I don’t even know why. So I just picked up my headphones, shoved them in my laptop and blasted up the music. All I can hear now is a soft melody playing in my ears. I can still see this guy, sitting right in front of me on a chair, talking animatedly to her friend but I can’t hear him. All I hear is the music, everything else around me seems like a video playing along with this music.

I just felt my heartbeat and it made me think that it’s going to stop one day. I wondered what it would be like if it’d stop the very next moment. Am I prepared to die? What would it be like being dead while being so far away from all my loved ones? Would they get to know about it? Of course they would, somehow. How are they going to react? Would the process of my carcass being sent to them be a lot of burden for them? Would I get buried here? What’s going to happen to me? Who’s going to come to my funeral? Would they be sad? For how long? They’d forget me one day because this is how things go on but would I ever forget myself? Could I ever forget myself? 

I don’t know. 

Thank you for listening.

With love,

Yusra.

GUEST POST - Smartphone Buying Guide

Hi guys, this is a guest post by Sage Harman. Sage is a frugal living enthusiast, a wife and a mother. Sage Harman runs http://www.no-contract-plans.com, a site dedicated to providing free information to consumers trying to find viable no-contract phone and internet plans. She wrote this post to promote her site through my blog. I hope this helps her.

Here's the guest post:

Smartphones, and the coverage plans that often come with it are expensive. These mini computers are so powerful that they have become a vital part of our day to day. With a handful of carriers and manufacturers offering great prices and cool features, picking the best handset can be rather confusing. Should you skimp on your purchase and possibly miss an important feature for a small price difference or should you go all out? Here are few things you should consider before buying a smartphone.

Android VS iOS VS Windows Phone

When it comes to platform, these 3 so far are the most popular options. Some people find that Google's Android is more versatile and customizable while others choose Apple iPhone's iOS because of its extensive collections of apps. Some say Microsoft's Windows Mobile is more user-friendly. There aren't probably that much differences with how these operating systems work so you can base your decision upon what's most important to you - security, customization, flexibility or user-friendliness.

Camera

More megapixels doesn't necessarily mean better photos. Take time to review the specs and consider the phone's capturing features and settings like the resolution, lens, shutter speed, sensor and zoom.

Design

Thin and sleek or bulky? Phones with large screens may be great for watching movies and videos, web surfing, and playing games but they can be a bit uncomfortable to carry. For ease of use and portability, phones with a screen size of 4-5 inches are perfect for me.

Battery Life

Your smartphone, with all the things you can do with it, I would imagine would require greater power supply. You might want to get one that comes with higher milliamp-hour battery, or one that has a user-replaceable battery.

Compatibility to Apps

Some programs may run on all existing platforms, and some will just work exclusively on one.

Storage

If you think you would need more storage space, purchase one with higher storage capacity or better yet, one that supports microSD cards.

Plans

No-contract plans may seem more expensive as you will need to purchase the phone upfront. If you have commitment issues though, this type of plan may be best for you as there are no hidden charges or termination fee should you decide to break the contract early. 

Anyone in the market for a new mobile phone? Compare plans and get free information on various popular smartphone plans at http://www.no-contract-plans.com.

Pardes - پردیس

Nobody understood what I wanted to have, today. This time, I hugged my soul and consoled it. We lay down on the grass in each other's company. We wanted to quench the thirst of our tongues that wanted to speak. We looked around to fill up the hunger of our starved eyes to see what they wanted to see. We lay down on the grass of this foreign land this time and screamed in silence:

Yeh kesi Eid hai?

This time, I felt out of place.

This time, I searched for faces.

This time, I yearned to hear Eid Mubarak.

This time, I craved to say Khair Mubarak.

A horde of human beings swarmed around me but all I could see in their eyes was estrangement.

But, the sky wasn't a stranger to me. The trees have been my friends for a very long time. The sun came out and showered down it's golden light just like it's been doing for me, every morning. It's just that, this Eid, in lieu of a swaying dupatta, the two strings of my hoodie jiggled as I walked. This time, the grass was my carpet, the sky was my roof, and the trees were my hosts. Today, silence was my talk and air was my food. Instead of people, the wind hugged me three times, today. This time, I heard the rustling of dry autumn leaves, in lieu of the tinkling bangles.

This time, the dewdrops made a pattern on my palm and I smelled mud on my hand instead of henna.

And to all of the nature around me, the only thing that established a rapport with me on this special day, I whispered:

Eid Mubarak!

Just a Little Letter

Dear Abbu,

I hope you’ll be fine and happy. I wish you to be happy wherever you are. No matter what place, no matter what time, I only want you to have happiness around you. I am doing well, too. I am doing okay. Alhumdulillah. I was thinking about you and decided to write you a letter. I'll keep it very short.

I just want you to know that I know. Do you think I didn’t realize you were crying when I was lying with you with my head on your shoulder? Do you think I didn’t feel the tear drop that fell on my arm that was hugging you? I know you cried. I know you cried almost every night when my days of departure were getting nearer. I’m sorry I made a habit of sleeping with you every night even when you told me I was making it hard for you by doing so. I realized it later how you would have missed seeing me at that spot that I used to sleep in, every night. I’m sorry for that but I wanted to spend as much time as possible with you. I saw you in my dream and maybe that’s because I've been thinking about you. I won’t take a lot of your time but I really wanted to jot my thoughts down. I just wanted you to know that I know a lot of things that you think I don’t know. You can’t hide them from me. You can’t make me happy by hiding sadness underneath your skin that fakes a different expression.

No, I did not forget. It’s your birthday! Happy birthday, Abbu jee! I wish that out of all the moments that you’ll have in your life, not a single one would bring a speck of sadness around you. I pray to Allah that my life, my existence, and my presence would never bring unhappiness or sadness in any way to you. I pray that you’d never get sad because of me, ever. I pray that whenever you see me or hear my name, it’d bring a smile on your face and peace to your heart.

We’ll see each other soon, inshaa Allah.

With love,
Yusra.