Birthday Thoughts - A Page from My Diary

November 2, 2014

Dear Diary,

It's my birthday, today. And although I want to be happy, there's a lingering sadness that's lounging within me. Each day that’s supposed to be a happy day turns out to be sad for me. Why is that? I didn’t even want people to wish me on my birthday. I wanted to go sit somewhere quite. I wanted to scream and cry and just be with myself. A lot of people came up to me and wished me. Every time they said Happy Birthday, it sounded like a ridicule to me. This was my very first birthday without a cake, my very first birthday when I was not excited to celebrate it, my very first birthday that did not make me feel special in anyway. Dear Diary, I didn’t like it today. Today, ironically, turned out to be an even sadder day for me. Everybody wished me to have a ‘wonderful’ day today. Almost everyone told me to ‘enjoy’ the day but I knew that this was not going to happen.

How sadness creep up on you and occupies you is hard to ignore. I remember the time in my life when I’d make a point of celebrating my birthday. Today wasn’t even ‘just another day’. Today was a sad, sad day and I hate saying that but that’s the truth. I wanted to hug someone so bad today. I wanted to hug someone and cry. But then they’d have asked me the reason and I wouldn’t have anything to tell them. Sometimes, I wish I could hug you. I like you because you listen to me and you don’t judge me. I like you because you understand me and you’re never disappointed in me. I like you because you’ve never disappointed me, either. I wish I could hug you. I want to hug someone right now. I have a question. How do you just ‘be happy’ when someone tells you to ‘be happy’? Is there a program I could install in my brains to help me with it?

I try to do things that are supposed to make me happy but I guess that's how my life was written. Even if I try, I don't get happy. There's no blaming on anyone but myself. Even though I didn't want my birthday to go that way, but the midnight, the 12:00 AM of November 2, started with tears in my eyes.

My thoughts crawled to the birthdays I've had before. I remember the surprises I had got on my last birthday - One of my friends showed up on my door out of nowhere, to celebrate my birthday. Another friend surprised me by bringing a homemade cake. That girl does not bake for everybody. If she bakes for you, you should know that you’re not just another person. I remember how my friends made it all so special for me. I remember the time I had spent with them. But snapping myself to the present, I think I’m moving away from everyone. I’m a loner, disappointing my friends by not talking to them, just hiding myself. I wonder how I’m going to end up. I know there are not going to be very many people at my funeral when I'd die.

Many thoughts are sprinting in my head right now. I was wondering how people see one side of the picture and make assumptions over it and then come down to a decision.

I wish people could see beyond what they can see. 

A picture is worth a thousand words but we have to see all sides of the picture before converting it into words. 

Can't you just come alive? Sit by me, let me rest my head on your lap, let me cry on your shoulder. Let me speak. 

What a down day today has been.

Why today had to be my birthday?

I’m such a disappointment to the world. 

Why do I even exist?

I need to let it all out or else it’s going to consume me. It’s going to gnaw my emotions, it’d make me hollow. And I fear I’d burst one day. Oh how thankful I am for the tears. And you.

Thank you for listening to me.

With lots of love,
Yusra