Monday, May 15, 2017

Heart Out

It's stupid to even think how I wrote the least during the past few months. This one thing that gave me solace, a place where I grew up and lived was stranded by me and I feel embarrassed by treating my sanctuary this way.

With apology, I open my heart again to you for you are the listener that never made me feel like I should ever stop speaking. Let me tell you how burdened my heart and soul feels. I want to tell you that I've never felt this old ever in my life. I've grown up so much in the past few months and when I look back at my old self, I want to break down and cry. I'm not sure whether these are life experiences that I'm gaining or is it just a rough phase that I'm treading on but whatever it is, it hurts the most. I have felt the happiest and the saddest. I've felt hurt like never before. I've felt deceived like the most stupid person on earth. I've felt tired like anything. I still feel tired like all of the weight of this world has been placed on my back. My mind swirls and aches the worst. I feel defeated, betrayed, trampled upon. I just feel the worst and I'm only afraid what more this life has in store for me. I never knew growing up would pain this much. I never knew I would feel this low in my life.

At this point of my life, all I want to see  is a vista of light. Happiness and opportunities. Success and smiles. I want to earn all that I had dreamed of. I want to move ahead. I want to laugh the purest laugh and smile the most genuine smile. Just hold my hand and lift me up and away from all the filth of sadness that I've been dumped in to. Just some peace of mind and heart. Just sway me away. Just.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Silent Screams - A Page from My Diary

Dear diary,

Sometimes I want to scream and shout. I want to cry out loud and let my tears speak my story. I have so much to say but I choose to stay quiet. This is going to gnaw me on the inside. The words that don't come out are carnivores that eat away my body and soul. It hurts to make those people understand you who once used to steal the words from your mouth. When such people who know you like they know their favorite song turn into someone who starts questioning your every action, it feels like they're hammering you down. But pain is a very private feeling. Nobody can understand it. Not a single person can understand what you're going through. It's yours and only yours to keep. It's the only thing you have that others won't ask from you. This pain is going to take your life away and, mark my words, the moment it'll be sucking your last breath out of you would be the moment when you would be hugging it like a toddler hugging their teddy. You'll get buried under it's weight. And nobody, not a single body would understand what you're going through. 

I wish I were you. I wish I was a thing that people used. At least they would't have anything to complain about me then. At least I wouldn't have feelings even if I got crushed under someone's feet then. I wish I was a thing that people used and didn't complain of. I wish I didn't have these feelings that sink my heart and drown my soul. I have so much to say but I'll only let the tears flow out. I'll let them be my words.