October 1, 2014
It’s raining outside. When I started writing my journal, I realized that it’s October already. Can you believe it? It’s October and I’m still not sure how am I feeling. There’s nothing to talk about, today. I just kept on thinking a lot. I have no idea where am I heading to. I say hello to a lot of people, everyday, but in the back of my head, I always want to find a peaceful corner and sit there. I’m receiving the background music of thunders as I’m writing. Did I ever tell you I almost never turn on the lights in my room? It’s always dark. I like it that way. I’m glad that my roommate likes to have lights turned out as well. There are little Christmas lights that are turned on almost every time. I do not turn on any light other than that.
I was wondering about happiness; it is so innocent. No matter how much of greed do you show to it, it’s never going to show up unless it itself wants to show up. If it wants to show up by watching rain outside the window, it’ll never settle for anything more or less. You can never bribe happiness. It's loyal to your heart. If you're not happy, then no amount of money can make you happy. I like the attitude of happiness. If a droplet of a special something can make you happy, then an abundance of something else is just futile.
Thank you for listening to me.
I am sitting on my bed right now. My roommate’s friend is here. He is a nice guy, and a very close buddy to my roommate. They are talking their hearts out, laughing like crazy, like all friends do. I don’t want to listen to their conversation, I don’t even know why. So I just picked up my headphones, shoved them in my laptop and blasted up the music. All I can hear now is a soft melody playing in my ears. I can still see this guy, sitting right in front of me on a chair, talking animatedly to her friend but I can’t hear him. All I hear is the music, everything else around me seems like a video playing along with this music.
I just felt my heartbeat and it made me think that it’s going to stop one day. I wondered what it would be like if it’d stop the very next moment. Am I prepared to die? What would it be like being dead while being so far away from all my loved ones? Would they get to know about it? Of course they would, somehow. How are they going to react? Would the process of my carcass being sent to them be a lot of burden for them? Would I get buried here? What’s going to happen to me? Who’s going to come to my funeral? Would they be sad? For how long? They’d forget me one day because this is how things go on but would I ever forget myself? Could I ever forget myself?
I don’t know.
Thank you for listening.