Chaos

I'm screaming, but they can't hear me. Are my screams out of your hearing range? Can't you hear the noise that is surrounding my existence? What is wrong with the world? Why can't they see me? Is it because I'm wearing a mask? Don't ask me to take it off. You won't stand the sight of what lies beneath it. You'll see the bruises, contusions, marks and scars. By wrapping myself with the fake covering I'm only hiding the scars. Why does it mute my screams, then? There's so much noise in my head, why is it inaudible to the people around me? There's a mess of tangled thoughts inside my brains, how can it not be felt? If I can see what lies under their blank faces, why can't they see it for me then? Is it how it's supposed to be? I never wanted myself to get mired in my own existence. Where are the flowers, the butterflies, the stars and the moon? Where is the bitter sweet smell of caffeine and the smell and texture of the old book's pages? Why has chaos taken over the silence? Nobody is listening to me, everyone just walks away. They walk away leaving me in shambles. They walk away leaving me here to assemble my shattered self, all by myself. How can I gather myself together, if they are not willing to help me pick up my torn pieces? Even if I assemble myself together, bit by bet, I would need someone to put my last broken piece back together for me. I've been doing it, on and off. I complete this jigsaw puzzle of my broken pieces everyday but that last piece that just stays there waiting for someone to come and place it in its abode. Would anyone ever complete this puzzle? Does nobody want to see how does the full picture look like? Is this mess too much to be fixed? Would I be waiting on myself to get completed, forever?

Na Hota Mein Tou Kya Hota

I never thought I would hear that. But I did. It hurt my feelings but that’s okay. Believe me it is. I guess that’s what they say about expectations. They do get killed. But I don’t blame anyone. It’s just that no matter how hard I try, there does always come up something that stands in front of me and tells me that I fail at living life. So the blame is on me. I want to run away, far away. I want to leave it all behind and disappear into the wilderness. I wish nobody could see me. I wish nobody could talk to me. I wish I never existed. I wish I could just get up one day and get lost in the woods. I wish I could do that. If I were living my life for myself only, I would’ve done that by now. But I don’t live one life. I’m living a lot more. I don’t live for myself.  I can’t help wondering about my existence. I can’t help wondering how I manage to mess everything up. One thing that I really wanted to achieve in life was to be that person who brings happiness in others’ lives. I try so hard, oh lord knows I try my best to do so. But I fail! I fail every time.

Na  tha  kuch  tou  khuda  tha,  kuch  na  hota  tou  khuda  hota
Daboya  mujh  ko  honay  ne, na  hota  mein  tou  kya  hota

And when you don’t know where to go, and all the directions are lost, I wish you could see that one direction that always shines upon you. I wish you get the vision. I wish the best for you. Don't worry, I think about people in my mind like the person I knew they were. I think about the best version of them that they had shown to me. I’d try to forget what I saw. I’d try to forget that you said that. I’d try to convince myself that you never meant to say that. I’d keep praying like I always did for you. I’d just try to forget all that. It’s just that I was hurt but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is people’s happiness and I wish that they get that. I don’t know what else to ask for. And I’d never stop asking for it because I know He never stops giving. I just can’t get over the fact that.. well, never mind.

 Life, it happens!

Muddat  hui  mar  gaya  Ghalib  magar  phir  bhi  yaad  ata  hai
Wo  har  ik  baat  pe  kehna, kay  youn  hota  tou  kya  hota

Disclaimer: The verses are taken from Ghalib's poem and are property and copyright of the owner.

USA Diaries

Aug 17, 2014

Dear Diary,

Whoa.
Whoa again!

There’s so much to tell you, there is so much to write, I can’t believe I haven’t started writing it all down already. It’s August 17, 2014, Sunday, as I’m writing it. Exactly 10 days since this journey has begun.  A crazy journey! Wait, should I call it crazy? I’m not sure. But I’ve been overwhelmed with stuff and I’m so glad to be finally able to write it all down. The sound of keyboard is music to my ears at the moment. It’s giving me so much satisfaction to finally record my thoughts before they get rusty.

August 7, 2014. The day I left my home to enter into a new world of things I had never experienced, to meet people I would never have thought of meeting with, to go to places that I would have never gone to, otherwise. What a day it was! The day before that, I was carrying a bundle of mixed emotions with me. I didn’t know how I was feeling. I was happy and sad both at the same time. I think I still am. But I don’t really know what to say about it. I remember that day I was filled up with emotions. I was going through things that people wouldn’t understand. Of course, they would not. Because I never gave them the chance to understand that. I was filled with emotions and I was feeling emotionless both at the same time. And as I’m writing it today, I feel like I still feel the same way. I don’t know. A couple hours before I had to leave for the airport, I was lying down with my mother in the room with lights turned out. It helped me to cry without getting caught but who was I kidding? Of course they caught me crying. I have never been this far away from home. I have never lived in a dorm with a stranger. I have never stayed away from home for this long. Maybe the thought of what I was about to experience was scaring me. And there were other things too that made me cry. I tried to control myself but it was hard, trust me it was. So an hour later when I finally got up from my bed, everybody could see my puffy, red eyes. What else I could do? I have always been that little kid in the house that gets too much attention and it was hard for me to say goodbye to my family; my mother and father, and my sisters. I remember when the day for my departure was coming nearer, one of my siblings started giving me kisses on my cheek, out of nowhere. Sometimes I would get a hug from another sibling whenever it would hit her that I was about to leave in a few days. They were all so happy and proud of me. They still are. But the fact that I wasn’t going to live with them was something difficult for them and for me to accept.

On my way to the airport, at about 3 AM, on isolated, well lit, beautiful golden roads, sitting in the car, I cried again. I realized something that day. I knew I wouldn’t really cry this much once I’d get to my destination. I understood that what makes us cry is saying goodbye. It’s so hard to say goodbye. It is just so brutally hard to do that, it demands your eyes to show how much painful it is to do so. But it was an episode of the journey that I had embarked on. I’m the kind of person who gets very excited over small things. It’s another story that the excitement doesn’t really show on my face because I’m not very showy over such things. So when I say that I had experienced my first airplane ride that day, I’m pretty excited about telling that. I was pretty excited experiencing the pre-sitting-on-a-plane experience and the post-sitting-on-a-plane experience. What happened to be a stab to my excitement was getting a middle seat instead of the window seat. I wanted to see outside and enjoy the view but the luck wasn’t on my side. I reached at the Dubai airport in a couple of hours. Dubai airport is huge, all fancy and glamorous. I had to spend 13 hours there and I was tired and not sure what to do. So I took a tour of the airport and then mostly I spent my time in the ladies’ prayer room. I saw a lot of ladies coming from different countries in that room, praying and then going away. There’s one worth mentioning thing that happened to me at Dubai. I was in the prayer room, making dua after my prayer when a girl entered there, picked out the Qur’an from her bag and started reciting. She had a very good voice. After I was done making the dua, I crouched on my knees and started folding my prayer mat, when I heard her saying, “No, no, no, no.. please sit back down again and make dua for me.” I was startled at first and looked at her with a question marked face. Then she said again, “I was seeing you make dua and I felt like you make dua right from your heart. I want you to make dua for me as well.” I smiled and asked what does she want me to ask from Allah for her and she replied, “Everything good in dunya (this world) and everything good in akhirat (the hereafter).” And I did so. After I was done doing that, she hugged me. We started talking about Islam and Allah and the conversation with her was so soothing. I really liked meeting a person like her.

I wandered around the airport before boarding for my flight to Washington. That was one long flight. I wanted to sleep and get all cozy but it’s not easy to get cozy when you’re on an airplane, sitting in the middle, yawning every now and then and not getting a chance to enjoy a wink of sleep. But the time passed and I finally set my feet in Washington. The days in Washington were sprinting around. My schedule was tight. I was not getting proper sleep and there was so much to learn before heading off to my destination, Missouri. The place where I was staying had a dining hall. I had to get down to the dining hall at 7 AM because that was the time when the breakfast was served. Breakfast, by the way, was the best meal of the day. The rest of the meals were a dilemma between halal and haram so I’d almost always end up eating an apple or some fries. While I was in Washington I went to see the Air and Space Museum at the Smithsonian. And I also went to see The White House and The Capitol Building. There’s this street in D.C, where there are a lot of embassies of countries around the world. I liked that. The buildings there were beautiful and there was just so much to see, I wanted to soak in everything but they say, you probably need more than a year if you want to see all of the amazing buildings and attractions they have there. While touring the D.C., it almost made me feel like I was living Dan Brown's book, ‘The Lost Symbol’. I had already read about those buildings in ‘The Lost Symbol’ and now actually getting to see them was quite an amazing experience for a reader like me. Oh, also that day when I was given a little tour of D.C., I finally ate some good food in an Afghani Restaurant after such a long time. I could finally fill up my plate without getting suspicious about the meat being halal or haram. That was the day when I saw ‘naan’ after so many days and had ‘qahwa’ after my meal. I came back to the place where I was staying at around 11 PM. I had 4 hours to get some rest before going to the Dulles Airport to catch my plane for Kansas City. Like I said before, I was overwhelmed! I managed to get some sleep and then came back down again at 3 AM where the shuttles were standing to take me and the rest of the participants to the airport. I spent 6 hours at the Dulles Airport. Yes, it was tiring. Then I finally got on my plane, and was flown to Kansas City. At the Kansas City Airport, representatives from my university were standing holding a placard in their hands. They took us to their cars, and from there we were driven all the way to Warrensburg, which is going to be my town for some time now. I’m getting to know my university now. It’s quite big, the campus. It has several places that one would enjoy going to. The town itself has a country touch to it. While the car was driving on the roads to Warrensburg, I could almost listen to John Denver’s songs ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ and ‘Take Me Home, Country Roads’ playing in my head.

But now I want to think how I feel about all of it. It had never been this way; there was so much dumped on my mind to think about that I never got the time to think about the things I actually like to think about. It made me sad when I realized that I’m not even getting the time to think but now that when I’m finally getting a chance to write it all down, it’s making me feel somewhat better. I needed time with myself only. I know I won’t be getting it that much but I need to work a way out for myself one way or another.
Dear Diary! I’ve found the people of Warrensburg very nice and helpful. I’ve always liked people and now after meeting the people here, it has added up to the faith that I never lose in humanity.

I like the view from my dorm window, especially at night, when the golden lights get turned on and make the road look like it’s made of gold. Sometimes I want to stand by the window and watch the cars go by. It gets so quite at night, and you can finally find some serenity from the hustle and bustle of the whole day. One night, I was sleeping with my back against the window. I turned to the other side, now facing the window, and my eyes opened up from the sleep. I could’ve shut them back right that very next moment but they caught sight of the outside view. There was a calm breeze blowing outside, and the leaves on the trees were dancing to the rhythm of the breeze. The golden light was turned on like always, and I could see the black sky in the stark contrast to golden-green leaves. I didn’t want to lose that sight so I kept staring outside, lying in my bed, and then the sight itself became a lullaby for me and I don’t know when did I go back to sleep that night. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I almost think that I’m in my own home, and not in a dorm, but when the realization hits me, it brings a tinge of sadness to me. I don’t know, dear Diary! I really don’t. There’s just so much I’m going through that I’m inundated in my emotions.

Thank you for listening to me. 

With love,
Yusra.

Things to Do

• Every time you feel like you can't take it anymore, talk to Allah. He is the greatest of listeners.
• Do not lose your temper. Don't let the devil ruin you. Don't let the devil win the battle. Every time you lose your temper, you lose against the devil. You've got to win, don't you?
• NEVER disrespect your parents. Make them feel proud of yourself. They don't ask much from you. They just want a bit of your time reserved for them. They just want you to love them like they love you.
• Forgive people every time they make you sad for one reason or another. Every time you forgive people, Allah gets happy from you and rewards you for acquiring Allah's trait of forgiveness.
• Understand. Every person has their own set of problems that they have to go through. Understand that. It's hard but it makes you a better person, trust me.
• All those activities that mark you as a bad person, AVOID them.
• Tell yourself that you are so much better than all those people who let you down.
• Keep those hopes intact that certain people have from you. Don't ever give any person a chance to say that you disappointed them.
• Prioritize life. Invest in life. Give time to life. You have to see how much time you have to invest in life in order to get the maximum profit out of it.
• Pray, without any limitation or boundaries of time or place. Just pray. Allah lives in your heart. He is closer to you than your jugular vein. He can never turn a deaf ear toward you. He just NEVER does that. Not listening is just so unlike Allah.
• Ask Allah for forgiveness. He is forgiving. If you truly, deeply, sincerely ask Him for His forgiveness, He gets so happy and forgives you right away and leaves you without a mark of sin on you.
• Never miss a prayer.
• Stay strong and focused.
• Try to bring positivity in your as well as others' lives. Try to bring happiness for the people around you.
• Follow the sunnah. We're not that pious, I know. But we can at least try to bring just a bit of piety in our lives.
• Read more. It's better to get your brains engaged in a healthy activity.