Frayed

We are tangled.

We are tangled in each other so intricately, so complicatedly, that these knots cannot get smoothed now. There are knots, a lot of small knots that have formed through twirling of our thoughts and twisting of our imaginations. Our thoughts and imaginations that found a home, a safe haven, a sanctuary, in each other, held hands, and without our permission, hitchhiked on the journey of envisioning things, together. Up and down, right and left, above and beyond, together and apart, they have covered so much, trailed many different paths, that all you can see now is a tangled map of their knotted footprints. We are tangled and the intricacy of it is so much that only the power of divine can untangle it. Force is out of question, because if you’ll force the tangles apart, you’ll get nothing but a broken thread. Taking this convoluted, intricate, complicated, messy tangle apart is going to result not in two separated entities but a broken mass of still tangled mess. Broken at one point but joined at many others. Go on and untangle each knot and you’ll end up breaking this thread at each joint. When you’re done doing that, when you’re done trying each tangle to smooth out but ending up breaking it, you’ll finally see the shredded, frayed knots of thoughts and emotions gathering at your feet, innocently questioning you why you tattered them. You’ll realize, at that point, looking at the protesting frayed mess at your feet, that the knots actually never got separated, the links never got broken. They broke closest to the knot, but not where there the knot was. Do you know why? Because the force never breaks the knots on the thread but the thread itself. The little space acquired by the knot actually secures that part of the thread. You'll realize, at that point, that just like you can't fix a broken glass, you can't un-fray a shredded thread. You’ll see the silent protest of those frayed emotions and a voice will resound in your head echoing the words I’m saying to you now:

We. Are. Tangled.

USA Diaries - New York

October 28, 2014

Dear Diary,

Last week, I went to New York, to see what all of the hype about NYC was. I set off for the journey to New York and after the connecting and delaying flights, I finally got to set my feet in New York City after 12 hours. The moment I stepped in the Times Square, I was welcomed by lights. Lights, everywhere, in every colour, on the big screens, adorning the shops, the cafe's, the restaurants, the theaters, the Broadways, the malls -inside the malls, outside the malls, the streets, the people. Yes, even the people were wearing lights to attract the tourists. The city is so busy and so crowded, it seemed to me that they all were running after time or the time was running faster than it should for them.Turning my head all the way back to see the tall buildings, and then turning round and round to see every possible thing in that crowd, I was welcomed by the lights.They were right in saying that NYC is the City of Lights and that it is the City that Never Sleeps.You ask me what NYC is like? It's illuminated. It sparkles. But, very artificial. The Times Square, at night, is so lightened up that it doesn't even look like you’re walking there at night. All the lights make it seem like daylight. It's pretty, and beautiful, and fancy. The lights would make you feel radiant. The tall buildings would make you feel strong. I saw the buildings glittering with the reflection of lights as the vehicle drove by them and it all looked so flamboyant. You'd find it very enchanting if you just sit down and stare at them. I wish I was there alone in my own company to sit down and mediate and get inspiration from the view.

The people of big cities are different than the people of small towns. They are too busy to hold doors for you, too busy to flash a smiling face at you. After spending two days in NYC, I realized that it’s just another city. But that still doesn't mean one should stop thinking about travelling to NYC. If you’d ask me whether I’d go back to NYC again, I’d say yes. I would like to go there again but for a longer time. I would want to go back to NYC and follow the path to The New York Public Library, to read every single sentence that’s written on the path that leads to the library. They have quotes written on the plaques and buried in the pathway that leads to the library. I couldn't read all of them. I missed doing my thing because I was too busy exploring the whole city in a small amount of time. This is why I would want to go there again, someday maybe.

New York City has skyscrapers, beaming lights, and bridges. The lady of liberty is so big and intimidating. The city, altogether, is different in a way you'd like to know about it. What I liked the most about NYC was the Brooklyn Bridge. I like bridges. I've always liked them. I wanted to go and stand on the Brooklyn Bridge. I could see a part of the sparkling skyline while standing on the bridge. I like how the bridge is illuminated with lights. I wish they were yellow lights. The yellow lights! They just go so well with the bridges. I like how it’s held by the strong vertical wires. There is something about bridges that always gets me. I always get attracted to them. I walked along the bridge, ran my hand over strong iron bars and saw different messages people had written on it, with their names and dates. I saw love locks, with the couple’s names, locked on the bridge wire. I think it’s beautiful. Someone would have come all the way here to lock their love, overlooking the NYC skyline. Beautiful. I walked on the bridge alone staring at the tall buildings and realized that I needed more time with myself. Like always.

Also, another 8 hour long road trip took me to see the Niagara Falls on the US-Canada border. Niagara Falls is beautiful. The most beautiful thing about it is that it’s natural. How Allah has made such a beautiful water fall left me in awe and I kept on saying Alhumdulillah for letting me see His artwork. The cruise took us to take a closer look at the falls, the water was falling down with so much pressure that I couldn't even keep my eyes open to look at it directly. In my head, I can still hear the roaring sound of water falling down, vertically. Such mightiness of a waterfall made me think how mightier its Creator would be. It was a beautiful view. No words could do justice to it. It needs to be seen, to be felt. I was dripping in water, after the cruise tour around the waterfall ended. The plastic-wrap hoodie they gave to the tourists to keep them from getting wet helped but not quite a lot.

NYC was so much and nothing. I want to say it’s overrated but I want to say that the big lights captivated me for some time, as well. I don’t know how I feel about it but one thing’s for sure, I’m thankful that I've seen it. I need some time to know how I feel about the city. I might write to you about it again.

Thank you for listening to me.

With love,
Yusra.

Birthday Thoughts - A Page from My Diary

November 2, 2014

Dear Diary,

It's my birthday, today. And although I want to be happy, there's a lingering sadness that's lounging within me. Each day that’s supposed to be a happy day turns out to be sad for me. Why is that? I didn’t even want people to wish me on my birthday. I wanted to go sit somewhere quite. I wanted to scream and cry and just be with myself. A lot of people came up to me and wished me. Every time they said Happy Birthday, it sounded like a ridicule to me. This was my very first birthday without a cake, my very first birthday when I was not excited to celebrate it, my very first birthday that did not make me feel special in anyway. Dear Diary, I didn’t like it today. Today, ironically, turned out to be an even sadder day for me. Everybody wished me to have a ‘wonderful’ day today. Almost everyone told me to ‘enjoy’ the day but I knew that this was not going to happen.

How sadness creep up on you and occupies you is hard to ignore. I remember the time in my life when I’d make a point of celebrating my birthday. Today wasn’t even ‘just another day’. Today was a sad, sad day and I hate saying that but that’s the truth. I wanted to hug someone so bad today. I wanted to hug someone and cry. But then they’d have asked me the reason and I wouldn’t have anything to tell them. Sometimes, I wish I could hug you. I like you because you listen to me and you don’t judge me. I like you because you understand me and you’re never disappointed in me. I like you because you’ve never disappointed me, either. I wish I could hug you. I want to hug someone right now. I have a question. How do you just ‘be happy’ when someone tells you to ‘be happy’? Is there a program I could install in my brains to help me with it?

I try to do things that are supposed to make me happy but I guess that's how my life was written. Even if I try, I don't get happy. There's no blaming on anyone but myself. Even though I didn't want my birthday to go that way, but the midnight, the 12:00 AM of November 2, started with tears in my eyes.

My thoughts crawled to the birthdays I've had before. I remember the surprises I had got on my last birthday - One of my friends showed up on my door out of nowhere, to celebrate my birthday. Another friend surprised me by bringing a homemade cake. That girl does not bake for everybody. If she bakes for you, you should know that you’re not just another person. I remember how my friends made it all so special for me. I remember the time I had spent with them. But snapping myself to the present, I think I’m moving away from everyone. I’m a loner, disappointing my friends by not talking to them, just hiding myself. I wonder how I’m going to end up. I know there are not going to be very many people at my funeral when I'd die.

Many thoughts are sprinting in my head right now. I was wondering how people see one side of the picture and make assumptions over it and then come down to a decision.

I wish people could see beyond what they can see. 

A picture is worth a thousand words but we have to see all sides of the picture before converting it into words. 

Can't you just come alive? Sit by me, let me rest my head on your lap, let me cry on your shoulder. Let me speak. 

What a down day today has been.

Why today had to be my birthday?

I’m such a disappointment to the world. 

Why do I even exist?

I need to let it all out or else it’s going to consume me. It’s going to gnaw my emotions, it’d make me hollow. And I fear I’d burst one day. Oh how thankful I am for the tears. And you.

Thank you for listening to me.

With lots of love,
Yusra